I often times remind myself of Philippians 4 verse 6-7 it is written: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
What started out as being the strong, reliable back-bone for my family ended with me shutting out the world and the people who love me the most.
Depression, as stated by the World Health Organisation, is a common illness worldwide, with an estimated 3.8% of the population affected. This rate is estimated as being 5.0% among adults, and 5.7% amongst adults older than 60 years (1). Therefore approximately 280 million people in the world have depression.
Growing up as a strong black woman of caribbean descent, depression was a word that was not common for people to use. In fact, I only heard the word and it’s meaning after migrating to Europe.
I never thought about it too much, because, growing up, I was told that you have to work hard,trust in God, focus on your goals, keep the faith and never give up. These were the codes and the motto I lived by.
Suddenly like Job what i feared has come upon me,what i dreaded has happened to me (Job 3 verse 25 NIV) and the consequence of it was the nightmare of every mother. He went to jail. Heartbroken, ashamed, devastated, angry, guilty, sad – these were the emotions that came crashing down on me overnight. I became numb. I knew that I had to be strong, to be his backbone, because he was only young and yet to mentally grasp the depth of the consequence of their actions left me speechless.
Sleepless nights and nightmares became daily rituals that I supressed because I believed that I needed to be the strong one. Walking on the road for hours thinking, praying,crying. I felt I was living yet not living, somewhat outside my body, my entire world came crashing down.
Difficult days, months and years went by and I did what I had to, to be that support system for my only child at the time. My faith was tried and tested several times and I just had to remind myself that God was in control. I fasted,I prayed then he told me seek yeah first the kingdom of God all his righteousness and all other things will be added unto me.
My family – what can I say – I honestly believed that they could never comprehend what I was going through. I knew that I needed their support and love, but I just didn’t know how to ask. I suppressed these needs because I needed to be strong for my son. I thought that I was doing what any mother whose child was incarcerated would do. I thought I was copeing very well, anyway, that is until I became numb. I shut out all the people around me: my family, friends, and, most of all, my loving husband. He was my solace throughout it all – my oasis… my happy place.
I couldn’t function anymore, I couldn’t think. I didn’t want to see, feel, nor speak to anyone. That was when I realised that I was depressed. Yes, I was.
I was gifted a book titttled The prayer of Jabez. I resite this prayer daily 1 Chronicles 4 verse 9-10. I remind myself who i am by reading Ephesians chapter 1 to 3. and Colossians chapter 1